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Remember to ask how the dad is doing.
Men in general grieve differently and
it is often mistook for being "okay"
Sometimes people need space to grieve. Staying
in contact though email or letters is a great way
to show you care.
It is okay to talk about the baby. It hurts more
to think that you do not care then to talk about
the child.
Remember the important dates, drop a card in
the mail or a quick phone call just to let them
know you are still thinking of them.
Mother's day & Father's day is extra hard for
parents that lost there first and only child,
remember that they are still parents, send a
thinking of you card.
Express your sympathy like you would with any
other loss, we need to know that people
understand and care.
Ask how the person is, but really mean it. If you
get a simple "fine" answer say, I really want to
know how you are doing.
Remember that we are not going to get over this
loss, it may become easier over time but that does
not mean that we miss the baby any less or that
we have forgotten.
Most important listen, and never forgot.
Do not say: It was God's Plan
Never say: Your baby is in a better place, what better
place is there for a child then in there parents arms?
Don't say you are sorry for bring up old/bad
memories. Our babies are always on our mind, and
not a bad memory.
"It could have been worse" - this is really never a
helpful thing to say to anyone.
Don't say: "Well, at least now you have an angel in
heaven."
"It was for the best", it wasn't, would you say that to
someone that lost a teenager?
"It is better it happened now before you got to know
it."
Do not call the baby it, "it" was a persons hopes and
dreams, it IS a baby.
Please do not compare the loss of the baby to another
loss. Each loss is different, it is not like the loss of a
pet, a friend, a parent or even a another child, every
ones loss is different.
Do not forget the child! If the couple lost there first
child when they get pregnant again they are not
becoming parents for the first time, they were already
parents. The new child is their second child.
Not there first. Say, congrats on your new baby.
Not congrats on your first child.
The IRS knows that I had a "dependant", you should
remember too.
Draw a slightly smaller circle inside of the first circle.
It's okay if the edges touch in some places. This circle is your grief.
Now you can see that your grief almost totally fills your life.
There isn't room for anything else. Your life and your grief are one.
Now draw another circle the same size as your grief circle.
This circle is still your grief.
Draw a larger circle around it. This is your life in the future.
Your grief is still there, still the same size, but now there is space around it for other aspects of your life. As
time goes on, the circle of your life grows and includes many other things, but your grief remains. It doesn't
go away. It doesn't get smaller. But now there is room for other things and you are not always focused on
the grief. You can laugh at a joke, go to a party, get a new job, maybe have living children, but your circle of
grief is still there.
